Ponderings and Wonderings

Recently a distant member of my family passed away, which I found shocking for many reasons. 

Namely she was my age, and though my daughter would probably disagree, I feel that 40 and under is a relatively young age, especially to leave this world.

The other thing that is really hard for me is that she had two children that were relatively the same age as my children. (young) That’s not supposed to happen, was all I could think.

So, to my first point which is my selfish point, or my own existential crisis. I don’t know all the details of her health concerns, but it made me think about my own health. My life, and what I would leave behind if I left this world early. Was I a good enough parent, wife, sister or friend? What should I do to take advantage of my time, how can I not squander it. The obvious thought is to be more compassionate, to others and myself. 

But, I also want to live a little louder too, this relative was often larger than life to me. She had passion and humor, and loved deeply without restraint. I want more of that, and to give without worrying what will come back my way or if it will hurt me. 

I am so guarded with everyone, and I think writing this I want to be more. She was more to so many and was able to have filled so many hearts with her fearless love. Can I remember that I try a little harder to be a little louder and more open?

How do we preserve our histories, our nuances? How can we pass on a cheeky grin? I value humor, fun, and kindness, now more than ever, but I am not always living up to those values in my relationships and with my family and friends. 

Which brings me to the second thing that I have been pondering and that is what will be left to her children and to mine one day. Who is the keeper of her story? Who is the teller of her tale? 

When all is said and done, who will be the one to write herstory..

I know that we as women see ourselves a different way then others see us, and though both are never truly wrong, neither is fully correct. We are multifaceted, we can be kind and cruel, funny and dull. We can be lonely and friendly, giving and selfish, we can be so much more. 

I think what I am pulling around is that I don’t want to be remembered as a one dimensional person, because that is disingenuous. I think if we truly love each other we know that we have terrible foibles, and we are the villin and the hero to our stories. We are saints and sinners. We are complex, everyone is. 

I think a good life lived is the one I have, knowing that I will waste time on social media or silly puzzle games, but I will also read and laugh and cry. I think living a true life is allowing room for it to be wonderfully ordinary, and knowing that everyday there are billions out there like myself, living their lives the best they know how. 

I want to remember this but if I forget I hope you remind me.