In the beginning there was...

Okay, so I have been in a slump, (I like how this font looks at the moment). I was listening to an old coworker on a podcast, and remembering how annoying she was because she’s an overachiever (says a somewhat of an overachiever, herself). Basically, the woman is perfect, and I mean really she is and it makes me so irritated for several reasons. Number one, she is right. I mean what she says is correct and true. My toxic thoughts are (you guessed it) toxic. When I feel negative emotions, and those pushy thoughts are in my mind, they tend to mirror my feelings and they truly are in fact (this is a shocker) negative.

For example, this weekend I had a pretty great weekend of self loathing, (it really was quite fun, but I did not get my chores done) I watched all the Avenger Movies on Saturday (Awesome). I then watched all three Kung Fu Panda (more Awesomeness) movies on Sunday. I did not get in enough steps on either day, and .y self loathing has increased because of the lack of physical activity. So yes, when I am in a dark place, it’s dark.

I could totally be a motivational speaker, “ Hey bad thoughts are bad!" good thoughts are good. Think good.” That is what therapy is people CBT Cognitive (thoughts) Behavioral (come one you knew what cognitive meant too) Therapy. 

So, the life coach is 100% correct, but then it got me to start thinking, why is her way of living so much better than mine? Or rather not really her but everyone that sends me messages on Facebook, because they “feel” like I could use their program ( I am too nice to tell them to leave me alone, and I will reach out if I need help). 

I am fat (harsh word right?!), the medical term is morbidly obese, but really I wear more then a size 14, and when I was 10-12 years-old I was like a size 8 in women’s cloths (my daughter still wears little girls cloths and she’s 9). My mom ALWAYS talked about how "fat" she was (she had 6 kids and isn't even 5 feet tall her body is AMAZING! She just maybe hasn't realized that yet). It was uncomfortable, I didn’t want to feel sorry for her, or me. So I decided that word doesn't matter to me. That being said... 

Reasons I am fat, I eat too much, or rather I don’t eat. This is because I feel horrible about eating most of the time, and so I do what some people call "intermittent fasting" (It's totally a thing but the way I do it should never be a thing), and then binge around dinner time, or when everyone else is sleeping so I don’t have to feel judged by others (that sounds pretty unhealthy, because it is unhealthy. Like negative thoughts, bad habits are bad too, remember CBT). 

So I thought that maybe some psychology or therapy would help me, I joined some weight loss programs and they weren’t bad but the truth is that I don’t really want to change my behaviors. (dun, dun, dun!) So, I am writing this down confession like, because I want to share my journey or whatever this is, to feel more connected and confident, and maybe become a better healthier person along the way (I am writing this during, Amor en Los Tiempos de Covid-19) 

I digress, Fatness (I promise I will no longer use that word as it has such a negative connotation) is not my problem. I really isn't, and the more I think about it, the less I want to "lose" anything (except maybe I could loose a little of my attitude, see my above rude comments for reference). I don’t care, I want to change my bad habits and negative thoughts definitely are a problem. I want to gain a ton, gain knowledge, strength of character, and gain a life filled with years and years of laughter!

Screw losing, I am not a loser, and will never be one ever again!!

So I want to work on those with me (not you idiot, I am the one on the journey, duh). so, the real question is, where do I start?

Goal setting… Mindfulness meditation… meal planning… coloring my grey hairs ( it’s been a while don’t judge).

I think I want to work on Sleep quality and energy. I feel like my energy levels are always REALLY low… I think I will do research on Energy and I am now deciding to go from Caffeine all the way to crystals and everywhere in between.

Lesson One Energy

Okay if you Google Energy the first thing that comes up is Drake’s song (which had a really funny and vulgar video).  My favorite dictionary Merriam Webster gave this definition:

 1a: dynamic quality narrative energy b: the capacity of acting or being active intellectual energy c: a usually positive spiritual force the energy flowing through all people 

2: vigorous exertion of power : EFFORT investing time and energy

3: a fundamental entity of nature that is transferred between parts of a system in the production of physical change within the system and usually regarded as the capacity for doing work

4: usable power (such as heat or electricity) also : the resources for producing such power

Honestly definition 1 (b) Made me thing of Kung Fu Panda 3 again, they talked about Chi and the power that comes from giving chi, instead of taking. 

I think I will talk about Spiritual Energy first. So I have been raised as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (you don't know what that is google it). So I have my own Spiritual beliefs, I think I will start there.

I believe in the soul, the soul is a spiritual and physical being that are one, and that is what makes a person a person. Which make me think about the fact that I believe (or am supposed to anyway) that the body is one with the spirit. I wonder what has to do with energy… 

Maybe if I follow that thread for a minute (all philosophy at the moment don’t judge me) My physical energy is dependent on my spiritual energy and vis versa. Hmmm…

Okay what about other Spiritual Energy, so according to some website on the internet this is what Chi means. Chi is a Chinese word meaning aliveness, life force energy. or life breath - also known as Ki, Qi or Prana. 

Aliveness, wow that is not a word I have ever used before. Does that mean that there is an opposite to that we can call deadness.  

There are a lot of religions in this big world, I am not really an expert in them but I know that in a majority of Christianity there is a Holy Spirit that can uplift and heal. I think it would be cool to learn what other religions think to let see So I looked up spirituality and Islam, and I found this really cool quote,

 “When you feel a gnawing dissatisfaction with life, don't seek to deny or avoid it. The ache is rooted in something deeper. Hold the feeling in your consciousness. Give yourself permission to be present with its energy. Embrace it with compassion and bring it into your heart. Pray to the all-merciful God for help as you go deeper with this feeling. In time, this practice will strengthen your primordial connection with God and increase your awareness that your very essence is divine.”

— Jamal Rahman in Out of Darkness Into Light by Ann Holmes Redding, Jamal Rahman, Kathleen Schmitt Elias

To  Be continued…

Okay yesterday I had the realization that the body and spirit are one, and so our (my) energy is connected to my spirit as much as the body. Which makes me think about the mind and it’s power. 

I reached out to a friend of mine Sharon Bingham, she is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and has a passion for energy work in emotional healing (she know a lot more about this stuff then I do) and she shared with me some really Powerful stuff look at this; 

“Daniel Goleman first became aware of spiritual energy three decades ago in Asia. The author of the best-selling Emotional Intelligence, Goleman was a Harvard graduate studying meditation in India when he noticed that most seasoned practitioners exuded what he calls "a special quality, magnetic in a quiet sense." Contrary to stereotype, these spiritual types did not seem otherworldly at all. "They were lively and engaged," he says, "extremely present, involved in the moment, often funny, yet profoundly at peace”

So I have heard about meditation, Yoda (oops yoga) and mindfulness, but what I am realizing is that my personal beliefs  are not that far from Eastern Philosophy, but I have never really thought of energy in a Spiritual sense. 

Several years ago I discovered the power of mindfulness meditation (again knowledge and behavior do not always align; it's a running theme for me). I felt a deep sense of peace when I was going through what I now know was secondary post traumatic stress due to a job I was working at. 

I realized I had power within me, and it wasn’t from above me. But I think my paradigm was off at the time now that I am studying this for my whatever this is. Eastern Philosophy looks within, and goes deep, while Western Christianity looks up. I realize the body (within) and Spirit (up) must both be focused on. Wow! Okay I am going to really work on my Spiritual Energy this week and see if that helps me feel more… better?